She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I have tasted many bathrooms
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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