Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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