Please, let me fuck your mom
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
