i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
