I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
