My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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