he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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