What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
