What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
