im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
