The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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