birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
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How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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