just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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