Please, let me fuck your mom
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
