u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
