1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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