Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
