Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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