i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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