i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
