i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
