if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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