I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
