i wish starbucks made bloody marys
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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