I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
