so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
