Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
