How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will be naked everywhere
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
last night I used snow as a chaser
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
