I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I met the friendliest cop last night
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
