in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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