please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
