I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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