dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
