Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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