i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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