True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
