First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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