I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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