his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just had sex on a roof
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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