Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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