would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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