Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
