I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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