Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
