Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
