Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I want a musical about memes.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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