so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
