i can't believe i had my finger in that
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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