Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
