found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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