If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
