Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
