On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
