I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?