NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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