I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
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I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
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