I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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