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Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Michael Bay diarrhea
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
