yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
