I puked a lego.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I love you. Go after that dick
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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