Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize