You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
