I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
